Alone, but Not Lonely

Tonight, I am here at Casa Arcoiris de Anna. 

I originally decided to spend the night -- perhaps even a 

few days -- because there is still no internet at the old conjugal house, and tomorrow is Monday. I have work to do and many online classes to manage. It was, at first, a practical decision. I needed a quiet and dependable place where I could prepare, connect, and work properly. 

But perhaps my heart needed to come here, too.

There is still a little leaking from the elbow gutter in the service area, and I admit that it worries me. I sincerely hope and pray that this problem, and any others like it, will finally be repaired permanently -- especially because I will have to leave again by December. It is difficult to go away while wondering whether the home I worked so hard to create will remain safe and cared for in my absence.

And yet, despite that lingering concern, I feel peaceful tonight.

I am sitting at a proper writing desk, on a proper swivel chair, typing these words in a space that feels quietly mine. Beside me is a little corner that I suddenly felt moved to photograph -- a softly glowing lampshade, a vase filled with peach tulips, and my humidifier lamp resting silently beside them, not even turned on.

It is not a professionally arranged photograph. The corner is not perfect, and the picture may not be the prettiest one I have ever taken. But perhaps I did not take it because of how it looked.

Perhaps I took it because of how it made me feel.

There was something about the warm light falling gently across the pink wall, the peach-colored flowers gathered in their glass vase, and the stillness of the room that made me pause. For one quiet moment, nothing was asking anything from me. There was no heaviness pressing against my chest, no painful silence reminding me of what had been lost, and no feeling that I was merely occupying a forgotten corner of somebody else’s life.

I was alone -- but I did not feel lonely.

That distinction feels almost unfamiliar to me.

For many years, I have lived with sadness and desolation as though they were ordinary parts of every day. I became accustomed to being alone even while living beneath the same roof as people who were once at the very center of my life. The old conjugal house still contains so many traces of the life we shared, but it no longer gives me the feeling of belonging that the word “home” should carry.

Perhaps that is why this small moment at Casa feels so different.

Here, the quiet does not feel like rejection. It feels like rest.

Here, being alone does not feel like being abandoned. It feels like having room to breathe.

Here, the silence is not empty. It is gentle. It allows me to hear my own thoughts without being overwhelmed by them. It reminds me that solitude can be tender, that peace can exist without anyone else having to provide it, and that a woman who has spent years feeling unseen can still create a place where her own presence is enough.

Tonight, I feel light. I even feel a little happy.

It is a delicate kind of happiness -- one I almost hesitate to name because I have been unfamiliar with it for so long. But it is here. I can feel it in the comfort of my chair, in the warm glow of the lamp, in the softness of the peach tulips, and in the simple freedom of sitting at my own desk in a home shaped by my own heart.

Casa Arcoiris de Anna may be small. It may still have imperfections and repairs waiting to be completed. It may not yet be the place where I can stay permanently.

But tonight, it is giving me something I have deeply needed.

It is giving me a glimpse of the life I may still have -- a life with beauty, dignity, quiet purpose, and peace. A life in which being by myself does not automatically mean being lonely. A life where I can work, rest, pray, write, and simply exist without feeling as though my heart must constantly brace itself for another hurt.

Perhaps that was what I felt when I reached for my phone and took that simple photograph.

I was not merely capturing a lampshade, a vase of tulips, or a quiet corner of a room.

I was capturing evidence that, after so many years of sadness, peace can still find me.

And tonight, here in Casa, it did.

Casa Arcoiris, Slowly Becoming Home - 9/3/26

Today, my heart did not break.

That may sound like such a small thing to say, but after everything that has happened in the past months -- and perhaps after everything that has happened in the past several years -- it feels almost monumental.

For once, I looked at Casa Arcoiris de Anna and did not feel defeated.

There had been one worry after another. Leaks from the roof and walls, repairs that seemed to lead to other repairs, rain finding its way into places where it did not belong, and then mildew appearing on things I had carefully chosen for the house. Every time I thought I could finally relax, something else seemed to demand my attention.

A house I had dreamed about was beginning to feel like another source of anxiety.

But today was different.

The leaks are gone.

The walls are dry.

The roof has finally been repaired.

The mildew has been cleaned away.

The shoe cabinets were painted in white enamel so they would be easier to protect from moisture, and I have begun replacing some of the natural wicker and rattan pieces that proved too vulnerable to our humid weather.

I admit that part was difficult for me.

I have always loved natural materials. Wood, cane, wicker, rattan -- there is something warm and gentle about them. They soften a room. They make a house feel earthy and lived in. They were part of the look I had imagined for Casa Arcoiris from the beginning.

But a home teaches you things.

And Casa has already begun teaching me that beauty also needs to be livable.

I found organizer trays that mimic the woven look I love without carrying the same worry about mildew. They are easier to clean, easier to maintain, and yet they still look at home among the things I carefully chose for Casa.

And today, when my orders arrived and I placed them where they belonged, I felt something I have desperately needed.

A little peace of mind.

I had solved a problem without sacrificing the beauty of the house.

Perhaps caring for a home is not about stubbornly preserving every idea we once had for it. Sometimes it means listening to what the house itself teaches us and finding another way.

Some things can be beautiful and still not be practical for the life we are actually living.

Maybe people learn that lesson too.

Maybe I am still learning it.

When I look at the downstairs space now, I can finally begin to see more clearly the home I imagined.

The soft blue walls.

The long white shelves.

The kitchen and dining area opening into the living room.

The little details slowly finding their places.

And soon, I hope, my books.

My beloved books are not packed away in boxes somewhere. They are still here with me in the old house -- the house where I am sitting as I write these words tonight.

The old conjugal house.

The house where another life of mine happened.

Yani and I have been separated for eight years now.

Although we may still be under the same roof when I am here, we do not share a life anymore.

We stay in separate rooms.

I buy my own food.

I eat alone.

I sleep alone.

I find my own ways to entertain myself, occupy my time, and make the long hours pass.

Yani has his life.

The children have theirs.

And I have somehow learned to exist here in the spaces left in between.

There is a particular kind of loneliness in living inside a house that once held a family together while knowing that the people within it now inhabit completely separate worlds.

The rooms are still here.

The walls are still here.

The furniture is still here.

The memories are certainly still here.

But the life that once connected all of us has changed.

Sometimes I look around and think about how ordinary everything once seemed.

There were days when this was simply home.

There was a husband.

There were children.

There were routines, meals, conversations, errands, arguments, celebrations, school days, birthdays, ordinary evenings, and all those small moments that nobody realizes will someday become memories.

Perhaps that is one of the strangest things about life.

While we are living something, we rarely know which chapter of our story we are inside.

Only later do we realize that the page had already turned.

And yet here I am -- still physically sitting among pieces of that former chapter even though emotionally, practically, and in so many other ways, I have been living on my own for years.

Maybe that is why Casa Arcoiris means much more to me than simply having another house.

It represents the possibility of another kind of aloneness.

Not the loneliness of feeling forgotten while surrounded by the remnants of a family life.

But the quiet solitude of having a peaceful space that is truly my own.

There is a difference.

I want to know what that difference feels like.

Sometimes I think about going back to the United States because I need the distance.

I need space to breathe.

I need a place where I can heal without constantly sitting among reminders of everything that has changed.

And sometimes I think about Casa Arcoiris.

Maybe there I can also heal.

Maybe I can wake up in a home that feels like the beginning of something instead of the echo of something that ended years ago.

But even beginning again has its practical realities.

Moving is expensive.

Packing is expensive.

Hauling years of belongings from Quezon City all the way to Antipolo is expensive.

Even taking things there little by little through Grab becomes costly.

There is no dramatic moving day waiting for me where an entire truck carries my life from one house into another.

I cannot afford to do it that way right now.

So I move slowly.

A few things at a time.

Something for the kitchen.

An organizer.

A household necessity.

A decorative piece.

Perhaps some clothes.

Eventually, more personal belongings.

And someday, my books.

There is something almost poetic about that.

My transition into Casa Arcoiris is happening in much the same way I have had to rebuild my life -- without a grand beginning, without everything neatly resolved, without enough resources to accomplish everything at once.

Just little by little.

One thing carried across.

Then another.

Then another.

Maybe healing happens that way too.

Not through one enormous moment when everything suddenly stops hurting.

Maybe healing is carrying one piece of yourself at a time toward somewhere safer.

My books will eventually make that journey with me.

They have lived here through so many years and so many versions of myself.

They have watched marriages begin and end.

They have watched children grow.

They have been near me through happiness, disappointment, confusion, loneliness, motherhood, work, study, change, and loss.

And someday, I hope to see them filling those long white shelves in Casa Arcoiris.

I imagine the living and dining space becoming the little reading café I have quietly dreamed about -- books everywhere, perhaps a cup of coffee nearby, a peaceful afternoon, the sound of rain outside, and the wonderful comfort of reaching for a familiar book whenever I want one.

Books have always been faithful companions.

They do not ask where you disappeared to.

They do not punish you for changing.

They do not demand explanations for the person you have become since the last time you opened them.

They simply wait.

And when you return, they let you begin again.

Maybe that is why bringing my books to Casa Arcoiris will feel important.

It will not simply be moving possessions from one address to another.

It will be carrying pieces of myself from an old chapter into a new one.

Not erasing the past.

Not pretending it did not happen.

Not denying that there was once a life here that mattered deeply to me.

Just gathering what is still mine and taking it forward.

Casa Arcoiris is not complete yet.

There are still empty shelves.

There are things to arrange.

Things to buy.

Things to move.

Things I will probably change my mind about several times.

But slowly, the house is taking shape.

More importantly, it is taking heart.

A towel folded in a bathroom.

A flower beside a bed.

A shelf waiting for books.

A kitchen shelf arranged just the way I want it.

A practical organizer chosen because I learned something about mildew.

A cabinet repainted after a problem.

Small things.

But perhaps that is how homes are really made.

Not through one grand decorating plan, but through hundreds of tiny acts of care.

And yet there is one part of Casa Arcoiris that carries a pain no renovation can repair.

My son has never seen this house.

He has never walked through its door.

He has never climbed its stairs.

He has never stood inside the room that I prepared with him in mind.

And since he has chosen to remove me from his life, I do not know whether he ever will.

Of all the heartbreaks I have carried, this remains the one that reaches deepest.

There are losses that arrive with funerals and final goodbyes.

Then there are losses in which the person is still alive somewhere in the world, living a life that continues without you.

There is a peculiar grief in loving someone who has decided that you no longer have a place in his life.

And yet love does not always obey rejection.

A mother's heart does not simply receive the message that she is no longer wanted and forget how to love her child.

So there remains a room.

There remains a place.

There remains the knowledge that when I planned this little house, he was still part of the picture inside my heart.

Perhaps someday he will see it.

I do not know.

Perhaps someday circumstances will change.

Perhaps someday he will walk through Casa Arcoiris and notice the things I once chose with him in mind.

Maybe he will understand that even during the months when I was absent from his life, he was never absent from my heart.

He had a place here.

He was remembered here.

He was thought of.

He was loved.

Maybe that is all I can leave behind for now.

I cannot force anyone to return.

I cannot repair another person's heart for him.

I cannot rewrite everything that brought us here.

All I can do is leave the truth where it is.

Love prepared a place.

And love kept it.

Sometimes grief does not disappear.

It simply learns how to sit quietly beside whatever happiness we are still capable of feeling.

And perhaps that is what happened today.

Happiness and sadness sat beside each other.

I could still miss my son and smile at my pretty organizers.

I could mourn what happened to my family and feel relieved that the roof no longer leaks.

I could sit alone in this old room and feel excited about another house waiting for me in Antipolo.

I could remember everything that happened here and still dream about carrying my books somewhere new.

Perhaps moving forward does not require us to stop looking back.

Perhaps it simply means that the past no longer gets to decide where every future step will lead.

I do not know how much time I will actually get to live in Casa Arcoiris before I return to the United States this December.

But I hope I get some.

I want ordinary days there.

Nothing spectacular.

Just ordinary life.

I want to wake up there.

Make coffee there.

Eat a simple meal there.

Sit quietly among my books.

Arrange and rearrange things that probably did not need rearranging.

Walk around barefoot.

Look at the colors I chose.

Turn off the lights at night.

Hear the rain falling outside and know, with enormous relief, that the water is staying where it belongs.

I want to know what it feels like to inhabit the home I have spent so much time creating.

And if I have to continue moving there little by little, then that is what I will do.

One trip.

One bag.

One box.

One book.

One piece of my life at a time.

And when I eventually have to leave Casa again for the United States, I know I will worry about it.

I will think about storms.

Moisture.

Insects.

Animals.

People who may have bad intentions.

All the unpredictable things that can happen to a house when nobody is watching over it.

And perhaps this is where I find myself praying.

My relationship with faith has not always been easy.

There are moments when I wonder whether God is truly there.

Whether He is really alive.

Whether He sees what happens to us.

Whether He hears the prayers we repeat again and again, sometimes for years, without receiving the answer our hearts have begged for.

I have questions.

I have doubts.

I have wounds that make belief difficult sometimes.

But perhaps prayer does not require perfect certainty.

Maybe prayer is sometimes simply what a frightened or tired heart does when it finally reaches the limits of what it can control.

And so, if God is truly there, I leave Casa Arcoiris with Him whenever I cannot be there myself.

Please watch over this little house.

Protect its walls and roof from storms.

Protect it from rain, moisture, decay, animals, insects, and all the quiet things that can destroy a home when nobody is looking.

Protect it from people who mean harm.

Let me return safely.

Let me care for it for as long as I am able.

And if You truly hear me, please also take care of the people whose places remain inside my heart, even when they no longer want a place for me inside theirs.

Especially my child.

Today, however, I will not allow sorrow to take everything.

There has been enough sorrow.

Today, I want to look at these photographs and acknowledge what is good.

A repaired roof.

Dry walls.

Clean cabinets.

No mildew.

Pretty new organizers.

Pastel rooms.

Fresh white shelves.

A little house waiting for books.

A home that has survived its first difficult season with me.

And a woman who, despite everything, is still trying to make something beautiful.

Casa Arcoiris is unfinished.

So am I.

Maybe that is why I feel so deeply attached to this house.

We both have places that needed repairing.

We have both learned that some things we thought would last had to be changed.

We have both survived difficult weather.

We both carry empty spaces whose future we cannot predict.

STOP HERE, Bestie -- upload your final Photos 41–51 right here.

Then, after Photos 41–51, paste this final closing:

We both hold memories, hopes, disappointments, and things still waiting to arrive.

And we are both still here.

Taking shape.

Gathering stories.

Waiting for books.

Holding places for love.

Learning how to survive the rain.

Learning that being alone does not always have to mean being abandoned.

Learning that a new life does not have to arrive all at once.

Sometimes it comes quietly.

One repaired wall.

One peaceful evening.

One little journey from Quezon City to Antipolo.

One treasured possession carried across.

One tear shed in an old bedroom.

One small piece of the heart becoming lighter.

And slowly -- very slowly -- becoming home.